Working hard, but towards what?

This has been an incredibly trying year at school. I keep telling myself that this should be an easy year, but nay, this semester has been painfully frustrating and hard going. I have a math class that is teaching me logic, set theory, probability and soon Baye's theory. And while this is all interesting, i am really bad at it, the process is so agonizingly long to get through that I usually give up in the middle somewhere. This what I have just related to you is a symbol of how this year has been. I have no motivation, no drive, no chutzpah, if you will, to follow through. I find myself weighed down by so many worries and frustrations that have led me to this point.

I feel old and dated compared to the droves of 18-19 year old kids, who were in grade school when I graduated from high school. When I first started smoking cigarettes and listening to punk and the finding the advent of marijuana, these kids were in their diapers. how odd. I know it shouldn't matter, and most days I don't think about it, but depression is amazing in decisiveness, in how thoughts are directed to the things that make you feel the most insecure. On top of generally feeling like old man winter, I am dealing with what it means to be white, male and privileged in a world which is designed for me and pushes all others to the side. I find that confronting this social reality is incredibly hard and frustrating, especially when it is constantly called to my attention by my partner, who unwittingly hits the nail on the head repeatedly about the things that bother me about being white, male and the inherent behavior supplied via social conditioning that goes along with that.

I never really thought about myself as an oppressor until very recently. For most of my teenage and young adult life I thought that because I was in the underground, a subversive musician and misanthrope that I wasn't part of the problem. In many ways I still believe that, although there are several problems with this as well(but I'll leave that for another post). But the facts are as such, I was part of a scene that was vocal in its leftism and progressiveness, yet was misogynist, incredibly cliquey, and while not necessarily racist, not exactly a melting pot of cultural continuity. Ideas of political leftism have always influenced me, but many radical movements that I have identified with were movements designed by and for angry, young white guys. While in and of itself not a bad thing, it does marginalize other peoples experiences of oppression, many of which are impossible for me to know about first hand. Issues that women face every day, as well as other oppressed peoples, are things that I think about, but can really only comprehend second hand, in a fairly intellectual manner.

Essentially what all this means is that I am striving to become a better person in terms of understanding the plight of humanity outside the dominant paradigm, and how I can be an ally to people who can use my help. I am by no means a political activist, a bomb throwing anarchist, or a revolutionary. But what I am is an individual concerned with how my actions and motives affect other people. My school work has suffered because of being plagued by these issues aforementioned, and perhaps explaining myself here will aid in relieving some of the tensions in my head and heart. So here's to working towards a life that isn't full of misogyny, racism, sexism, classism, homophobia, and distorted views of the other.

hearts and daggers,

Scot