in the early hours

funny how this works huh? you find yourself thinking about what has passed and what you didn't do. that always seems to find me in the early hours, those hours when your loved one is asleep and you're sitting up almost an insomniac from so much coffee earlier in the day. the quiet creeps in and take holds and lets your mind just wander; thinking of all the regrets the past transgressions. all those hearts you broke and the ones that got away. but is life really so bad? have you come so far as to only look at your life as a mistake?

well, many times i find myself there. to preface though, i don't dislike my life, in fact i rather enjoy it. just sometimes the terrible feelings that well up behind the curtain flow above the dam, and flood down into my heart and mind. years ago i had a name for this and his name was steppenwolf. i looked at him with this sort of fear and awe. he was the other half of my mind; the part that lurked on the outskirts looking for a vulnerability to exploit. time and time again he came through and ravaged me. surely though as years have gone by those instances have become less rare and self-assuredness has taken the place of quiet insecurity.

that really is the nice part, to have come out of years of self abasement to this somewhat more feasible mode of living. i spent years looking for the perfect something to fill the emptiness, much to no avail. the big question remains: who would i be if i did all the things that i now regret? im sure that everyone has that same question. i know very few people who don't look back and question things that could have been. the important part is learning how to cope with the could have beens that essentially end up as never weres. not to let them eat away too much, to not have too much control over your head and heart.

its just that i look back at friendships that now look like they were a total waste. love affairs that shouldn't have happened, those are the worst, feeling that sickening shame of having slept with someone you definitely shouldn't have, and living in a city small enough that you see them all the time. those instances made me feel like i painted myself into a corner and when the paint finally dried many years later, i booked it to the other side of the country with haste.

it seemed like a great escape plan, and there are many great plans coming to fruition slowly but surely. i just hate the interim, the waiting, i have very little patience and less pretense to keep myself from feeling that stabbing bastard, steppenwolf. this time though the beast is a little different, its loneliness for friendship in a city that isn't a tight fit for me. but for now i have to be here, its where we have to be. maybe i'll cross paths with all those wasted friendships of the past and reconnect on a level that is at once meaningful and fulfilling. but until then i just try to view some semblance of the future and although it's blurry it doesn't seem so terrible.