what a day...

This has been a week of extremely frustrating and heartbreaking news. First learning that my Mom lost a lot of their property through financially dumb decisions, and secondly that she is in a distressing physical condition. I'll start with the loss of the house.

My whole life, my parents have had a rental house right next door to the house that I grew up in. Through the years many people lived there; when I was a child it was my best friend Melissa and her family. Then when my grandfather had his first stroke, he moved in so that he could be closer to the family, and so we could look after him. After my grandfather passed, which is its own source of sadness and unresolved issues, My older sister and I lived there after high school graduation. Now my younger sister lives there, and has to vacate the premises in 20 days.

Needless to say, I had some memorable experiences at that house and it was a major part of my growing up. Even though my mom lost the house, and I mourn the loss of an important childhood place, I am not that mad at her. I do feel bad for my sister though, who is in financial dire straits. The situation leaves my little sister on the outs, scrambling to find a place to live. It's rough for everyone, and the kicker is that my father doesn't know any of this stuff. I'm sure he knows something is up,but probably not to what extent. What a shit show this has turned out to be.

I find this frustrating, mostly because this likely could have been avoided if my mother had just been honest with my father. But the rub here, and something that I struggle with everyday is, that she isn't honest with herself. A characteristic of my family is that we tell ourselves stories, live in unreality, and hope for the best. But if I have learned anything in the last few years, is that stories are nice, but best left in the pages of books. Being dishonest with yourself is a huge burden to bear, and there is a constant tight rope walk between the reality of yourself and the story you tell yourself and others. I am truly fortunate to have a partner who is extraordinarily honest with me, sometimes it feels like to a fault. But what that has done, is that it has helped me to open myself up to who I really am and also be able to be proud of the person I am in the world. This goes a long, long, long way in having successful interpersonal relations. It makes communication more possible, which is an imperative in any kind of relationship.

I spent so much of my life growing up not being honest with myself, my family, my friends, and living an unreality. I see what kinds of consequences this has had for my family and not very much of it has been of a positive nature. What is most remarkable about dishonesty, and stress from not confronting your issues, is the physical manifestation of said issues. My mother is sick. not bed ridden, but her health is declining.

When I think about losing my mom, I can't help but cry. She is the most important person in my life, and as my parents are getting older, their mortality is starting to show. I know that this is an inevitability, but that doesn't make it any easier. My mom has a syrnix, which is a fluid filled cyst between her c1 an c3 vertebrae. This is quite possibly one of the most delicate places on the body. She is looking into having surgery, and there is a very real possibility that she will be paralyzed from the neck down and not be able to breath on her own, just to give an idea of how sensitive the area in question is.

I'm at a loss. I feel super constricted by this. I think about the universe having a plan for my mom, that whatever happens to my mom will happen with good reason. All I can really do is be there for my mom in the hard times ahead. But trying to come to terms with with your parents dying is hard stuff. oh man, is it hard. Mom, I love you.


hearts and daggers,

Scot

a remembrance

Today i am recalling those instances of first love. these ideas are brought to my attention by the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. granted that is just a movie, but i think that some of the concepts touched on are incredibly apt and correct. for instance, remembering that first touch, the first moment of contact when the beginning of a relationship comes about. there is something magical about those moments that remains etched in memory. that sickening expectancy, the intense anxiety, and of course those first moments when you touch, when the other persons body seems like a unknown relic waiting to be explored. who doesn't love those moments? the time that it takes to know someone can be endless, but i find it interesting how when you fall in love, how quickly that feeling of laying next to a stranger ends. the days then become one of not only physical intimacy, but also one of mental intimacy. of knowing your partner, their ideas and thoughts, their personage.
i have been lucky enough to have fallen in love several times in my life. many people do not get to enjoy that at all. so i sometimes take it for granted that my loved one is there laying next to me, sleeping in the same bed. but there are those moments when i am so overcome by how lucky i am to have found the person that i am with. mostly i find that emotion when i am walking home from work. the twenty minute walk both ways is some of the greatest quality time i get to myself. my headphones in, strolling at a loping pace, pondering my position in life. all of this is accompanied by a soundtrack, lately a rather melancholy one of sparklehorse and papercuts.
but, i think that we have a tendency to become so comfortable that we take our lovers for granted. not in a physical sense per se, but in the sense that we don't always acknowledge how great a person can be. thats all.

hearts and daggers,

scot